The Monster on my Back


I’m going to share some personal things with you in hopes that it will help someone else in the long run.

While in college I was diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and bi polar disorder.  I had had an inkling that I was depressed in high school because I would self harm on a daily basis.  Yet I didn’t try to go and get help until I was away in college for fear that I would not have been allowed to go away to college if my family knew what was going on in my head.  While I am now on medication and am doing much better, I still consider these things to be the monster on my back.  Always there, day in and day out, just there. Persistent. A daily pest. A major part of my life I was trying desperately to hide.  I didn’t want to be even more different than I already was, being a wheelchair.  My lowest of lows didn’t come until my senior year of college.  Shit was hitting the fan left and right, nothing seemed like it would ever be okay again, and I was just plain tired.  So I decided to try and end my life.  Luckily,  a very perceptive therapist I was seeing at the time saw the signs right away and got me to the hospital.  And so began something I never thought I would experience- a five day stay in the local mental hospital.  I was scared, I felt like I was losing my mind, and it meant the worst thing of all- I had to come clean to my parents which meant my whole family would know within the day.

It was probably the biggest turning point in my mental health.  I still don’t like to talk about it with my parents, and I change the subject when it (rarely) comes up. This was over three years ago.  I am now on the right medications and have been able to leave therapy, for now at least.  I am still not completely happy, but I am trying.  I have found something I love to do that I am good at and that others accept me at.  I still know what it;s like to not able to be happy, no matter how badly you want to be, you just can’t.  Yes, mental health can be scary and confusing and feel lonely but believe me when I say YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.  You have people who care about you, but I know it’s hard to see that now when you are in the darkness but trust me, they are there and they love you unconditionally no  matter who “they” are.  For me it was my best friend and my dog, you have to be willing to accept the love being given and that can be really hard to do.

I am here for you if you ever need anyone to talk to, I want you to know that you can be okay too.  Know I’m here for you and I’m in your corner. I love you.


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